The Agony and the Ecstasy
by vanilfrappe
Summary: Bella's soul has been divided into two halves, each one belonging to another man. She can't even hope to find peace--until she runs into a palm reading vampire at a traveling carnival. Will she embrace the future he tells her lies in store? Edward X Bella


Here it went again. The _haze_. She knew from experience it was a feeling that would stick with her constantly now. She couldn't shake it off, this feeling. It would either shut her down or send her into a depression so deep it would destroy her if she wasn't careful. The last time she'd felt this way Charlie had nearly threatened to send her to a shrink, if not to her mother's side.

The swirling colors and noise from the carnival around her should have stood out more to her at the moment, but it didn't. The haze surrounding her wouldn't allow it. The lights flashing above the carousel should have dazzled her, or it least have distracted her from her inner thoughts.

They didn't. They only forced her to blink her eyes confusedly at them; what she saw didn't match how she felt. The lights were alien to what she wanted to see.

_Jacob_. Her heart shuddered in her chest. Unbidden, her thoughts of him resurfaced with full force.

He still wouldn't return her calls. It had been a whole month now since he'd supposedly gotten "mono" and taken sick leave.

_Ha_. Sick leave from _her_ that was. She now knew he was avoiding her on purpose.

And she knew why. No matter how hard she tried, she always messed up her relationships.

Her and Jacob's relationship had been a disaster in the making to begin with, if she was bitterly honest with herself. While he had at first been a friendly means to an end—his mechanic skills being needed to help her along with her _addiction_—Bella had come to rely on Jacob's friendship to the point of desperation.

When Charlie had suggested Bella forget her unhealthy relationship _wi_—_with him_—and start up a fresh one with Jacob, she wondered if Charlie had had any idea that she'd strike up the same kind of unhealthy relationship with Jacob.

Her heart, in its agony, had attached itself to Jacob's warmth and camaraderie with the familiar ease Bella always felt in his presence. It hadn't been hard to _heal _somewhat—or it least, _forget_ the pain of having a heart ripped out—when he was by her side. For that, she loved him as a friend viciously.

But soon he began to hint to her—_strongly_—that he wanted more than friendship from her. Bella at first made light of the hints, ignoring his attempts to grab her hand or brush the hair from her face.

But after a while her attempts weren't enough. He'd made it clear one day that he was serious, and that he wasn't going to give up. Jacob had delivered this bombshell to her with a steely gaze, this time not letting go of her hand even when she tried to tug it away.

'_Jake_', she'd said desperately, her heart beating wildly as the crevice in it widened, '_Don't do this_.'

His lips tightened. '_Why not? Because of __**him**_?'

There was no escaping the agony that ripped through her at his implication. There was no need for Jacob to clarify who he was talking out. They both knew she understood.

She was only grateful Jacob hadn't used _his _name. That would have been her undoing in keeping her composure.

'_No_,' she'd said, a little too quickly for him not to notice. '_Because I can't be unfair to you. I-I love you Jake, but its not ever going to be the kind you seem to—want_.' She finished lamely, not sure why he seemed to have relaxed somewhat now at her words.

'_Bella_,' Jacob breathed, sounding relieved while at the same time resigned. '_I know what __**he**__ did to you_.' He ignored her flinch at the '**he**' and leaned in to slide his fingers into her hair. _'I swear to you I, I will never do that to you_.'

He tilted her chin so she was staring straight into his dark eyes. '_Bella, do you understand me_? _I know you're the type of person who holds on, even when the __**jerk **__doesn't deserve your support. I understand that. And I know I have nothing but time on my side to wait for you to realize that __**I'm**__ the one who's actually here waiting for you to look at me instead. Bella_—' His gaze held her in place with his softness and determination. '_I need you to know how I stand. Can you accept that? For me_?'

Her heart twisted in two directions. The part of her he'd described—the part that was loyal to the one she'd given her undying love to—_demanded_ she gently refuse Jacob's feelings. Bella knew it wouldn't be fair to Jacob for her to do otherwise.

But almost as soon as she thought it, the other half that had grown freshly and recently since the crevice in her heart was created, cried out in _anguish_ for what she was about to throw away.

_**All he wants is your love!**_ The desperate voice screamed at her. _**And all you want is for him to stay. Give him what he wants, or you will lose him!**_

Jacob's eyes bored into hers as she wrestled with the two sides of her heart.

In her soul, she knew she wanted another pair of eyes to be staring into her right now. Golden eyes that melted into butterscotch and set her aflame.

But _those _eyes were gone. And Jacob's were in their place. Waiting for _her_.

Her undying soul, Bella realized with tears forming in her eyes, didn't matter anymore. She would never see **him** again; what was the point in denying her only other chance at feeling relief from the pain of that fact?

Bella had lifted her hands slowly, fingers trembling—she placed them on either side of Jacob's face, watching the hope spread in his face as she did. With every last ounce of control she'd gained over the past 4 months of acting normal for Charlie, she nodded her head. '_I can accept you, Jacob_,' she'd whispered.

She'd ignored the agony of denying her heart, and concentrated instead on the joy it gave her to watch Jacob's face light up every time she allowed him to put his arm around her. Or how smug he was when she allowed him to drive her to school in front of everyone.

Or how his step had picked up when she allowed him to kiss her for the first time in front of her house.

_Ah_. Her soul had retracted payment for _that_ act. A stab with a knife would have felt better than the nightmares of guilt she'd experienced that night.

But it was nothing compared to what she knew she would feel if she refused Jacob entirely. So Bella had allowed herself to be what _he_ wanted. So long as he _stayed_ with her.

The blissful act had lasted for a month. Then, one day, Jacob began acting _strange_.

He became more—_temperamental_, Bella could say. The littlest things set him off, like stop signs or people's actions. A couple times even her own actions, like tripping over her two feet while they were in a hurry for a concert he'd bought tickets for, had caused him to snap at her. He'd always instantly apologized, angry at himself and admitting he hadn't been feeling well lately. She'd forgiven him without hesitation, of course.

About a week after that, he forgot to pick her up after school as they'd agreed. Bella had stood in the rain for an hour, watching the road with worry, before trekking home. Soaking wet, she'd picked up the phone and dialed his house.

His father had answered. He listened to her worried questions, telling her quite gently that Jacob had come down with mono _badly_, and that he wouldn't allow her to come see him.

Bella had wanted to come see him despite the threat of illness, so much so it hurt. But she respected his father's wishes. She did ask him to have Jacob call her though, when he could.

To be honest, she had expected him to. They were officially dating now. Kissing him had been getting easier; her soul was content to sulk in the corners of her heart while their lips mingled. Why wouldn't he _at least_ call and tell her how he was doing?

She waited all night, and the next day. She wasn't worried _overly _yet by his silence; _he may be still high in the fever_, she reasoned to herself.

But, when a week had gone by and she hadn't received _one_ phone call, her worry hit its ultimate. She called his house; _repeatedly_. After a while his father answered and told her not to bother, that Jacob was too sick.

She wanted to scream '_Bullshit_!' into the phone at him, but restrained herself. She repeated her wish to talk to Jacob when he was able, and hung up.

In her weakness, Bella let this go on for another week. Then, with a shaking heart on standby and a stubborn will, Bella had gotten into her rusty car and driven to La Push herself.

Jacob's house had been empty. She searched his shed where they'd worked on bikes together, but even that was fruitless. With an irritated sigh, she'd gotten into her car and began the drive home.

It was just around the cliff bend, when she happened to look out towards the ocean--she saw him!

Jacob was standing on the cliff's edge with a bunch of other reservation guys she recognized. Sam and Umbry, to name a few of them.

Bella stopped her car abruptly and got out, walking to the edge of the road as she studied them in confusion. They were all shirtless, wearing nothing but pants. Not even shoes on their bare feet.

She had to frown. If he was deathly _sick_, what was he doing outside without warmer clothes on?

The way he was jostling around with the guys, punching their chests good naturedly as he took a closer step to the edge, didn't look like actions that fatigued him in any way. While she mused over his state of good health, Jacob turned and leapt off the cliff edge.

Her scream never made it out of her throat. It seemed to lodge itself there as her horror at what she watched stifled it.

_NO_!

She watched him fall, not breathing as his body missed the rocks at the bottom and landed instead in the dark waters lapping just in front of them. She held her breath until his head broke the surface, his head tilting back to look up at his mates, who cheered his dive from the cliff above. He raised his hand and punched the air with his fist in victory, a wide grin stretching across his face. He didn't notice Bella watching him from across the way.

Bella stood there on the side of the road silently, her mind having trouble taking the image of Jacob—_perfectly_ well—swimming back along the cliff to climb his way out again. After the realization that Jake wasn't trying to hurt himself on purpose-- and was just cliff-diving for fun-- went away in relief, the truth hit her like a barrage of well aimed darts.

Jacob had never gotten sick. _**Stab**_.

Jacob hadn't called her because he didn't _want_ to. _**Stab**_.

And quite obviously, he'd already found ways of forgetting her existence. _**Stab**_.

_**He's never**_--, the part of her she'd tried to ignore, her undying soul, spoke up mournfully from the corner of her heart—_**going to speak or see you again**_.

_**It will be as if he never existed**_.

Even the part of her that pretended to love Jacob as he'd wanted had to agree with her undying soul. In that moment, Bella had been closer to being one with herself through agony then ever before since she'd been broken.

Her steps back to her car were even and careful. She'd felt_ so_ brittle as she drove home.

Luckily she'd already broken her heart. Having it happen once again was just—familiar.

And she was better equipped to deal with it this time. Charlie knew Jacob had blown her off, and she felt his eyes watching her carefully for her to relapse as the weeks went on. But she was good at pretending now. She wasn't going to give him an excuse to send her to Jacksonville.

She went to school. She did her homework like she actually _cared_. She cooked dinner, she even pretended to read books in the living room while Charlie was there to see. She smiled like she meant it.

And, she didn't make the mistake of stopping it there this time. No, she kept the friendship with her friends at school up, too. Angela may have picked up that Bella wasn't all completely there, but the others were too out of it to notice or care. They were happy to have her back in their midst.

Which was the only reason she was here at this carnival at all.

They'd invited her, telling her excitedly that the traveling carnival that came in every five years was the perfect way to spend their first Saturday night of the break. Bella had listened to their descriptions of the carnival rides, the games, the clowns that freaked you out, the acrobats that twisted themselves into pretzel shapes, with a practiced polite smile.

In her mind, all she could think was that it would be the perfect way to convince Charlie she was alright. A _depressed Bella_ wouldn't bother with something as frivolous and gay as a carnival ride, now would she?

With that in mind, Bella took a firmer hold on the gold rod in front of her, tightening her legs against the plastic horses' sides as the carousel took her for a ride around, and around, and around…

She'd allowed her mind to wander as the movement of seeing the lights and mirrors on the sides hypnotized her. How _numbing_ it was—a relief to her otherwise tormented senses.

Mike had taken possession of the black horse next to her. He was busy trying to poke the painting of the nude nymph painted on the ceiling every time they passed it. Ben teased him about it even while he reached out to grip Angela's hand. She and he rode twin horses that were side by side.

Angela aimed a smile at Bella as the ride finally began to come to a stop, rolling her eyes as Mike managed to succeed in his quest. Bella chuckled in response, and since it was for Angela it held some sincerity. Bella then pretended to ignore Mike's attempts to help her off her horse, following the others as they got off the carousel.

Jessica was standing on the side, waiting for them with a sprig of cotton candy in hand. She shuffled her feet, clearly annoyed at having to sit out all by herself since she knew she became sick on these kinds of rides.

"Hey, that looks good!" Mike exclaimed, reaching out without asking to steal a chunk of her cotton candy. Jessica didn't seem to mind, since it brought Mike closer to her in the process. "Where'd you get it? I'm starved after all that spinning around!"

Jessica batted her lashes. "Feel free to share mine, Mike. But if you like, I could show you. It's just down the way."

"Okay, how about this?" Ben interrupted, throwing his arm casually around Angela's shoulders as he stretched to look above the throngs of people crowding around the tents and rides. "Me and _my_ girl want to hitch a romantic ride on the ferris wheel. What do you all say we walk that direction and you can fetch some cotton candy along the way?"

"Oh!" Jessica squealed. "I love the ferris wheel at night! You can see the lights and everything from that high up! Its so _dreamy_."

Mike turned to Bella, not noticing Jessica's face fall as he did. "What do you say, Bella? Fancy a spin on the ferris wheel?"

She could have cared less. Instead, Bella grinned and said, "Sounds great! Just make sure we're all evenly spaced on those things. I hate it when they move around when the weights uneven."

Ben and Angela led the way, being the only two glued at the hip. Bella, Mike, and Jessica held up the rear with a sort of awkward threesome that couldn't make up its mind about what the pecking order was. Luckily Jessica was adamant about sharing her cotton candy and Mike was just as eager to eat it, so he gravitated toward her way more and more.

As they made their way away from the rides, they came closer and closer to the tents themselves. Here was where those that wanted to keep their feet on the ground went to entertain themselves at a carnival.

The spectacles that were held here ranged from the expected to the bizarre. The acrobats, the fire eaters, the elephant rides—then you had the Siamese twins, the giant, the bearded woman, a man who claimed to be the devil with actual horns and pitchfork-shaped hands.

And then, _of course_, there were those that sold the _alluring_ wares of the occult. Wands, silver jewelry depicting dragons and wizards riding them, and such. Bella's eyes drifted over the different tents wares and the creative names they'd come up with to advertise their stores.

In particular her eyes drifted onto a well drawn out sign that depicted a hand, palm out flat to the viewer and fingers spread wide. The lines in the palm were accentuated, little symbols drifting around and around the fingers teasingly.

A palm reader. $10 to have your future read to you by a mystic from the east.

Bella nearly chuckled in irony. She already knew _her_ future was dismal. She didn't need some crystal-ball crazed actor to tell her differently. Just as she was about to drag her dwindling attention away from the sign, the tent door next to it lifted unexpectedly.

Two teenage girls emerged, giggling together—over their read fortunes, Bella was sure. They both held each others' hand, tracing each others' lines as they moved off for another tent and another spectacle.

From behind them, another person left the darkness of the tent. He wore green robes etched in stars, and as she watched, he slid it off and chucked it back into the tent. With his robe gone, he wore simple blue jeans and a black t-shirt depicting some rock band or another. He leaned against the tent entrance as if bored, and lifted his head.

As fate would have it, his eyes lifted up and latched onto hers.

She stared back, and realized with a shock that the opals of his eyes were a deep, _crimson_ red.

She'd seen _eyes_ like that before. That _same_ color of eyes had tried to kill her in a ballet studio just that past year.

Bella froze. Her entire being came to a halt. The sounds of the carnival were washed out against the thud of her heart. Which began to pick up pace, until her blood began to pump through her shattered heart with a racing that would have rivaled a thoroughbred colt.

He'd noticed her stopping. His deathly stare grew curious as she continued to gaze at him in disbelief from across the small street. He tilted his head, quizzically smiling at her.

"_Bella_?"

Mike's voice barely registered in her mind at all. It didn't _matter_ what _he_ wanted, what _any_ of them wanted!

_Damn_ what the _world_ wanted with her now, she'd just found a vampire! She knew it without a doubt.

Her undying soul picked itself up from the corner of her heart, pressing forward to look out through Bella's eyes with eagerness. _**A vampire?!**_

It didn't matter that _that _fact was dangerous to her life. It didn't matter that him being there didn't really change _anything_. Just knowing he _was_ a vampire was like a breath of fresh air to her suffocating existence! He was a connection to a past she wasn't allowed to remember!

_**Get closer!**_ Her wounded, desperate soul demanded. Entranced with the crimson eyed vampire before her, Bella lifted her foot to do just that.

"**BELLA, STOP!"**

_His voice!_

The viciousness of it knocked her back to reality. Her eyes widened in amazement, her ears hearing his growls of rage pounding into her existence.

"**GET AWAY FROM HERE!"** Edward's voice demanded, more relentlessly than any other time she'd tempted his wrath. **"GO WITH MIKE!"**

She breathed in deeply, dazzled by the euphoria hearing his voice gave her after so long!

_Her imagined Edward must truly be desperate if he was demanding she go with Mike_, Bella realized. It was easier to think rationally when her soul was too busy basking in the joy of hearing **him** again. She looked back to the vampire quickly.

He was _still _watched her, leaning against the tent. With an amused smile, he lifted his hand and motioned for her to come _over_ to him.

"**BELLA!"** Edward's voice hissed, not even allowing her to process the choice given to her just now. **"DON'T YOU DARE!"**

Bella frowned. _Dare_…what had she been doing for the past 6 months if _not_ dare fate? _If it brought her __**his **__voice in her head_…

Edward's rage at her mind's inner workings was excruciating now. It was absolute bliss! Bella grinned. If nothing else, his voice's cooperation with her decisions was the biggest influencer.

She turned to her friends, who were gathered around her worriedly now. "I'm sorry guys, I just saw a shops wares that have totally grabbed my interest! And, really, I've never been a big fan of—_heights_, you know? I know I'll get sick, so you guys go on without me." The lie came smoothly from her lips.

Angela frowned. "Are you sure, Bella? We can all wait for you to look at what you want—"

"Oh, NO!" The _last_ thing she wanted was to involve them in this mess. No, she'd be going in alone. Bella plastered the best smile she could muster on her face. "_Really_, ferris wheels have never been my thing. Look, while you're all riding I'll entertain myself by looking around, and then I'll meet you guys at the bottom in a few minutes when you get off, okay? No one will lose out on a good time this way."

Ben shrugged his shoulders. "Okay, that sounds like a plan, I guess." He looked at the others. "Shall we?"

Jessica looked thrilled at the prospect of having Mike more exclusively at her side. So happy, she actually grinned at Bella cheerfully. "See you in a bit, Bella!" She gushed, grabbing onto Mike's arm and leading him off before he could even try to beg Bella to come along.

Bella watched them leave, pleased as Edward's voice became more and more frantic as her human protection disappeared. Then, ignoring the viciousness of his voice while at the same time enjoying it, she began to walk toward the relaxed vampire.

He'd never taken his eyes off hers. To Bella, it felt like they were the only two souls that existed in that moment. The throngs of people mingling around her were insignificant in the grand scope of things.

She'd found another vampire.

She'd acknowledged his existence.

And now, she approached him willingly.

She didn't allow her feet to move into retreat. She continued on her straight course until she was planted firmly in front of him.

He was taller then her. Not as tall as a copper-haired vampire she'd once known, but this one still towered over her. He looked down at her lazily, but with significant interest.

As she watched, his pale lips moved. His voice was deep and inviting. "Would you like to have your _palm_ read, my dear?"

So, _he_ was the mystic. Whatever—that wasn't why she was standing before him. But it would do for an excuse. Bella nodded her head, not taking her gaze off him.

They both knew there was more to her presence then him giving her a fortune reading. But he played along. He stepped to the side, drawing the curtain to his tent open with a pale arm. "Do come in then."

"_**BELLA, PLEASE!"**_ Edward's voice was in agony, ripping at her guilt with his own pain. _**"DON'T DO THIS!"**_

It was too late though. She could deal with agony well now, both his and hers. And she'd made her choice.

With willful determination, Bella stepped into the darkness of the vampire's tent.


End file.
